Sex...With Mom and Dad

There's a show on MTV called "Sex...with Mom and Dad", which is unfortunately not a heavily stylized, jump-cut-filled incest porn. Rather, it is a show about opening up the lines of communication between parents and their children about sex. This is very important to the show's host and therapist Dr. Drew. You may know Dr. Drew from the intermittently awesome "Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew" on VH1. This season features Gary Busey who is apparently just there to hang out and drop science. Important note: Gary Busey is not a scientist.

"Sex...with Mom and Dad with Dr. Drew" cements Dr. Drew's position as the liberal Dr. Phil. Where Dr. Phil wears suits and talks condescendingly, Dr. Drew doesn't wear a coat and raps with the people. I half-expect him to turn his chair around and straddle it when he has these convos. In a head-to-head matchup, Dr. Drew is much more likeable and more legitamate therapist-like than Dr. Phil, but I'd still rather see a doctor who uses his last name. Maybe Phil and Drew's last names are something like Hitlerfucker. Or maybe they're trying to create a heavily contrived sense of personality.

There's little reason to watch "Sex...with Mom and Dad with Dr. Drew" except if you tune in around 5 minutes before the end of each episode. If you're lucky, you'll get to see Dr. Drew's dramatic end-of-session "I'm so proud of you" face. It's awesome and he does it every time, each time slightly different. Like a skilled composer's variations on a theme, Dr. Drew's proud-face deepens its impact each time you see it.

Maybe I'll talk about music sometime soon.
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Politics

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Family Circus is Blowing My Mind

Saturday's Family Circus left my mind more blown out than prom hair. SENIOR prom hair. Yeah, a perfect punchline, I know. Actually, before I get the heart of this blog post, let's talk a little about prom hair. Personally, I prefer untampered hair on ladies, or lightly tampered. This business of rollers and hairspray and architecture always comes off looking weird at best and costumey at most. There's so much support structure going on, I expect those hairdos to have little pamphlets with facts like, "Susie's hair has enough metal clips in it, that if you melted them down and then remolded them into a new, massive clip, it would clip the world right in two. Scientists have concluded that this would cause Earth to lose its center of gravity and spin towards the sun, narrowly missing it for 23 passes, edging nearer and nearer over 18 years. A rogue group of scientists contests these claims, saying that the giant hair clip would, when applied to the Earth using, presumably, SkyLab, send one half of the world into the sun, and the other on a trajectory course with fame and fortune."

That's what that hair is like, to me.

I guess the response is that it's for the ladies themselves, to make them feel special and like princesses. I would suggest that you find a way to spend $200 on your hair and make it look like a thing that should be done in current society.

Take THAT, senior prom goers.

Of course, bashing high school chicks for no good reason like I'm some kind art history professor isn't why I'm writing a post today. No, my main topic, now strengthened by the previous four paragraphs, is this absurd Family Circus comic. It is so unusual, I felt compelled to share it.

Heavy shit to drop on me on Saturday morning, Dolly. What the fuck is your scene, lady? (Click here to continue reading...)

Look Around You - Module 6 - Music

I've been alternately busy and lazy lately, so I've been slacking on updates. I'm going to try and do two posts this month, but even if I don't, this should more than suffice. I invite you to check out all of the Look Around You series, it's some seriously genius stuff. Everything about it is spot on and awesome, but the writing is insanely good.


Online Videos by Veoh.com

Grozart. (Click here to continue reading...)

Gene Vincent - The Lost Dallas Sessions 1957-1958

Rockabilly is decidedly out of vogue currently, so now is a good time to get hip to it. Actually, since the 50's, rockabilly has never really been cool. Revivalists the Flat Duo Jets (who rule) have recently gotten some coverage due to Jack White's recommendation, but they haven't been a band for a decade. When the most visible band in a genre is a retro group that's already broken up, you're looking at a pretty dead scene. Psychobilly occasionally almost achieves more mainstream success, but psychobilly is pretty fucking lame. It plays up the more cartoonish aspects of rockabilly and generally misses what makes the genre so great. OG Gene Vincent hits all the marks, and The Lost Dallas Sessions features some lo-fi and live recordings that do a good job of conveying the genuine badassery of Gene's brand of rockabilly.

Gene Vincent is the sort of artist who sounds like he has to channel himself through his genre, whereas the jackasses who make psychobilly put on rockabilly like it's a costume. Psychobilly kids are from your high school drama department. Did you think your high school drama department had any concept of "cool?" "Avenue Q is totally edgy! I listen to 80's pop, isn't that unique and fun?"

Not. a. fan.

Meanwhile, Gene Vincent is able to reach a level of artistic accomplishment through this particular style that hints at multiple layers of influence and expression. You can hear all the way back to gospel, and you can hear all the way into the Velvet Underground. Dude transcends, and his complete immersion in the music he's playing destroys any kind of resistance you might have going into this whole "I think I'll check out rockabilly" thing. He always strikes the right balance of having a sense of humor, but playing it straight enough to sell it and bring out the darker, more ominous qualities of the music. The best example of this is "Cat Man" which is on a sweeeet rockabilly box set called "Rockin Bones."

Cat Man

That one tune completely decimates about 99% of rock songs. The fact that is was recorded in the mid-50's makes it an even stronger contender for most rockin' song ever committed to wax. Here're some choice tracks off of The Lost Dallas Sessions (Buy it) to give you an appetite for the destruction Gene Vincent brings. These are studio outtakes, live recordings, and home demos from 1957 and '58.

Blue Jean Bop (Live)
My Love (In Love Again)
Lotta Lovin
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NuFolk: Cheers and Jeers

There's a lot of "static" about the whole "freak folk" and "new folk" phenomenon that all the kids are into because they're too sleepy for a rock revival. We barely tried with that whole rock revival business, really half-assed it, guys.

More often than not, folk music is an excuse to give a lady the sleepy-eyes, as opposed to making engaging music. There are a LOT of sleepy eyes on the scene being touted as creating "breathtakingly beautiful baby-makin blues" (BALLITERATION) while good bands get buried.

Let's all take a look at seven current folk acts: AA Bondy, Fleet Foxes, Bon Iver, Miles Benjamin Anthony Robinson, Woods Family Creeps, The Dodos, and The Ohsees. Four of these are good, three are bad, I will identify them for you in an obvious and easy to understand format.

Woods Family Creeps: GOOD

End to End

Hey, all the bands I mark as bad in this post, here's what "point of view" means. Woods Family Creeps sound like This Heat's ghosts built a cabin in the woods and recorded their practice sessions into a tape-recorder. They get the most of their pops and hisses, creating atmosphere to surround their creepy brand of noise-folk. Nofolk? I don't know, they definitely lay down their own vibe, but it never comes off as contrived or overworked. The bands I'll be labeling lame, or bad, or whatever, generally have a pretty contrived sound to them, and when their songs don't sound overworked, they sound half-assed.


"STICKS'N'SHIT UNION" would be the name of my folk band. Who wants to be in STICKS'N'SHIT UNION with me? First single: Mountainous Rooty Dirtbeard/Foggy Stream DRUUUUUGS.

Anyways, Woods Family Creeps really pull off what their doing so massively that I don't know why you'd question it, except for some hints of Jack Johnsonness, but...just forget I said that. These guys rule.

Twisted Tongue
The Creeps

Milesbenjaminanthonyrobinson: LAME

Oh, man, this guy is lame. Here's his cover of "You Ain't Goin Nowhere", an awesome song that this dude manages to fuck up with his warbling Tweedylevel overemoting. Seriously, I love the Dylan and the Byrds versions of this song, but this guy...did not pay attention.

You Ain't Goin Nowhere

Pretty weak, right? Well, his originals make that cover sound like Powerage.

There Will Be Mud

When those drums stop and the vocals come in, I instinctively hit pause. Every time, can't help it, so bad. This is the sort of the thing that denotes bad music, everybody. Lack of taste. Lack of taste and making me connote the awesome There Will Be Blood with this mope-ass.

AA Bondy: AWESOME

So, this is what Milesbenjaminanthonyrobinson would sound like if he had talent and worked on his songs. They're in a similar vein of singer-songwriter type music, but AA Bondy is infinitely better. Infinitely! Think of the largest amount you can think of. That is not infinity.

Some people have trouble getting into the Bondy because he has some superficial similarities with total shitcases out there in the "without MySpace and idiots, I'd be playing at a coffee shop open mic in Willoughby, OH" world, but the main difference is, and this is important, AA Bondy writes good songs. Where Milesbenjaminanthonyrobinson comes off as hollow, totally faking it melancholy, AA Bondy comes off as original and legit. Don't resist it.

Rapture (Sweet Rapture)
World Without End
Vice Rag
American Hearts

Bon Iver: GOOD

Bon Iver is pretty solid, he writes really pretty songs, sounds honest, and takes some stylistic chances.

I guess it's "stirring" or something, but I just like the weird slide guitar noises on Flume. They tickle my brain.

Flume
Skinny Love

The Dodos: BORING G. BORING

Yes, Loop Stations are very neat, but there is no reason to listen to The Dodos. I doubt even the Dodos listen to the Dodos. I would call the Dodos album Visiter the aural equivalent of a sensory deprivation chamber, but sensory deprivation chambers apparently make you think about stuff. The Dodos numb you into submission with loops and lazy songwriting until you don't even hear their music anymore, making this the perfect thing to throw on when you don't want to listen to music. The only flaw in that plan is that every time the Dodos get around to their "hooks" you are roused out of your stupor by the most annoyingly predictable melodies this side of Natasha Beddingfield. Also, anytime they try to approximate a "rocking" sound.... You know how TV shows and commercials often have songs that sound like a popular song, but not quite, so they can avoid paying royalties? It sounds like that done to Radiohead's Bodysnatchers.

The Dodos - Fools

The Dodos - Jodi


Oh, man, the appearance of that Dungen shirt compels me to be kinder to you, The Dodos, but...no, your music is still not very interesting.

The Ohsees: FUCKING AWESOME

I love The Ohsees. John Dwyer (formerly of the equally awesome, way more abrasive Coachwhips and Pink and Brown, among others) is probably the most creative songwriter around. The guy's a master at writing subtly complex songs. While all the music majors try to hit you over the head with how clever they're being, Dwyer's sneaky with his genius.

All of these songs are off their last album "Sucks Blood," a generally mellow record. They currently go by Thee Oh See's and sport a more rock'n'roll sound.

What the Driven Drink
Ship
The Gouger

Fleet Foxes: WEAK

Meanwhile, these lazyasses get all the press. Fleet Foxes haven't met a folk rock cliche that they didn't like and immediately build a song around without altering that cliche in any meaningful or interesting way. Oh, what's this? Rich harmonies with lyrics about mysticism and nature? Well, steal my shirt and call me Matthew McConaughey*, you guys are creative!

Fleet Foxes - Tiger Mountain Peasant Song

Uploaded by yanndirtybastard

Fleet Foxes - Your Protector (Live)


Seriously, though, Fleet Foxes will be playing at your local Rib Cook-Off or high school auditorium in 30 years.

Tiger Mountain Peasant Song
Your Protector

So, there's the current state of things in the folk world, but there's not a whole lot shaking everywhere else. Is Pitchfork holding a "Out Suck the Arcade Fire" contest? I MEAN REALLY, why the dearth of good rock bands?

*I kind of want this to be a common phrase (Click here to continue reading...)

My Blog's Mp3 Player

The good/bad folk post is taking a while, but here's a thing for you to know: my blog has an embedded streaming mp3 player, and it's pretty great. Take advantage of it. There should be a little gray rectangle somewhere on the left side of your computer screen, that's the totally rad embedded streaming mp3 player. See the little "play" arrows next to mp3's? That means you can play them using the embedded streaming mp3 player.

If this isn't working for you, let me know, because there are other streaming players out there, I just happen to find this one the bossest. I'm willing to abandon it if there're mass problems with people not able to use it. Of course, I only have three people reading this thing, but I'd like to provide the most immersive multimedia experience for those three people.
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Kangaroo Jack Non-Post

So, I was going to work on a new good-music suggestion post to keep MY AMAZING READERCOUNT (3!) ON THE UP AND UP but...



FUCKING KANGAROO JACK IS ON THE TV AND IT IS AMAZING.

I thought it was going to be boring, mediocre, annoying bad, but this shit is entertaining me beyond belief. In the span of the last 5 minutes, Jerry O'Connell, dehydrated from wandering the desert with Anthony Anderson, hallucinated a Jeep replete with dance tunes and Slurpees (Jerry: "It was so real!" Anthony: "That's why the call it a mirage."), got punched by a desert-wandering Aussie on horseback, and awoke from his KO to a sassy, rapping kangaroo and his rapping kangaroo friends (one makes it rain!).

Post on good and bad new folk Monday, probably.

There's no more to read, this little thing is just part of the genetic code of my blog: (Click here to continue reading...)

A Mind-Bogglingly Bad Song

The Higher - Insurance?

This song is inexplicably, almost impossibly bad.

And yet, there it is. You can refresh as many times as possible, this song and video are real things that real people produced in an effort to make a legitimately awesome song. I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the many splendid ways this song fails at being good, so I've done my best to organize its spectacular inadequacies into a handy guide:

Lyrics

• Innuendo!
  Even if they weren't sung by a ginger Clay Aiken, these lyrics are almost impossible to sell. Nick Cave couldn't convince me this an ok thing to sing: "All that matters to me, girl, win or lose/ is an x-rated swirl of me and you." I bet he'd take it in a sugar-cone, too (wink, wink?). Oh, and nice use of slant-rhyme, Dickinson.
  
  In the bridge, though, our fiery frontman tears the veil of his almost completely unveiled, confusing innuendos even further stating, "You keep on suckin' me, suckin' me in." Oh, my dear! I'm sure mom jeans are being soiled all across the nation after hearing this ditty blaring out of their daughters' rooms.
  

• Superpowers!
  The phenomenal chorus begins: "Let's burn this filthy town straight into the ground/ with our dirty looks and glances." Whoa! Shit just got serious! I'd bet that when these lyrics were originally scribbled into the margins of some Calc homework, they were accompanied by a badass sketch of Cyclops totally laying waste to some football players. I'M SAYIN THEY'RE DORKS.
  
  
• Questions!
  The thing that really makes the chorus really come alive for me is its second half, where the singer poses, "Come on, can you hear us now/ as we rock you, shock you, drop you, and make you want it more?" to his listener. "Yes, no, yes, huh?, no" are my answers, respectively.
  
  
• Convincing Urban References
  "I will show you how I roll" - Yeah, that car you got on SuperSweet Sixteen is a pretty fly whip. Of course, this line is nestled in the nuanced gambling metaphor that comprises the first verse, complete with the confusing, "I cannot get that ace/so let me see a face card drop," which I think means, "So, no anal, uh? How about some head?"
  
  "The after party won't get started/ till about three or four" - I COMPLETELY BUY THAT YOU PARTY ALL NIGHT, RON WEASELY.

Music

• This music blows
  This music bloooows. Maroon Five should hang out with these dudes like girls hang out with uglier girls. Although, the pure, unbridled, lack of self-awareness displayed by the lead singer really makes this shit more entertaining than Maroon Five, so I take that back.
  

This song has all of the awfulness of Weezer's latest opus "The Greatest Man Who Ever Lived" with none of the irony. Kudos, Epitaph, for backing this. I can't believe you're hemorrhaging money!
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John Cale

Alright, so, this is a music blog now. How are you, Luke?

I'm pretty alright. I'm going to take on the fairly massive subject of John Cale, one of my favorite, overlooked artists. I would write something like "CRIMINALLY OVERLOOKED!", but he's pretty nicely overlooked, cause his stuff is widely available and then you get to feel like you're discovering something. Man has an inherent, insatiable archaeological desire. Undeniable, don't even try, Science.

Anyways, dude's always a good listen, and fits more moods than you have. John Cale's music will create new moods for you to have so you can more fully appreciate that selfsame music. Then you'll have to create even more new moods so you don't constantly feel the need to listen to John Cale.

I think I'm selling this pretty well.



John Cale (J.C., coincidence?), if you're TOTALLY RETARDED, was in the fucking Velvet Underground. He was born in London or somesuch, moved to New York City to pursue his avant-garde interests, played what I'm sure was a riveting 18-hour piano solo with John Cage, met one Lou Reed, and decided to make a weirdo rock band with Sterling Morrison and some bongoist whose allmusic page is trying to convince me I should care about (I do not). Bongoist went to hang out with Pete Best, the Velvet Underground picked up Moe Tucker and created some of the best music ever. Cale contributed the more experimental touches to the V.U.'s sound, stuff like drones and violin noise. Basically, he's the guy who made Venus in Furs so rad.



At this point John Cale is already cooler than everyone you know. THEN he leaves the V.U. after White Light/White Heat (their most badass album) because he felt they weren't EXPERIMENTAL ENOUGH! That's like leaving Gary Busey because he doesn't have enough self-esteem:






Oh, and he also produced the debut Stooges album.

John Cale is cooler than you and everyone you know by 1,000 already.

Now, when you quit the Velvet Underground because you feel that they're not spending enough time on their songs and aren't risky enough, you'd probably go ahead and make the rock album equivalent of a David Lynch film.

You'd be right, but you're not right in the way you thought you were, smarty pants. You just displayed a total lack of understanding of both David Lynch films and John Cale's musical ambitions.

Christ. You're just absolutely worthless, aren't you?

So, instead of recording an album of Harry Partch-corpse tempered piano jams, John Cale made "Vintage Violence," which is a relatively straight-forward pop-rock record. It sometimes sounds like a Jack Nietzsche production or Scott Walker's first record, other times like Sweetheart of the Rodeo-era Byrds, and sometimes like a low-key Television album. It's decent, but his later albums are less an exercise in, "Hey, dudes, I can write rock songs."

After that he made "Church of Anthrax" which is more the album people expected him to make after leaving the V.U. and then launched into a career of making albums that more or less successfully wedded his experimental sensibilities with more traditional rock'n'roll.

The Hits

Paris 1919

This is apparently THE one to get. I disagree, but it's a pretty boss album and has this hit on it:

MacBeth

Yeeeahhh, certified gold. Shakespearecore kids went nuts for that one.

For the most part, on Paris 1919 John Cale manages to out-British the Kinks. John, if you're trying to sing about Paris, drop the melodies. I've heard French pop music. NO MELODIES. Seriously, Serge Gainsbourg has some of the fliest backing tracks, then just smokes a cigarette over it. Here's the title track, this one even more British:

Paris 1919


Fear

This one's my favorite. Starts off with a subtly punk number called "Fear Is a Man's Best Friend" which contains some of my favorite lyrics ever, ever. Also, dig the primal screaming at the end over the weirdo bass (?) line. Awesome.

Fear Is a Man's Best Friend

Here are some more choice tracks off the album, but the entire album is great and should be given a few spins as a whole.

You Know More Than I Know

Gun

Great right?

That should give you a taste for the John Cale. His discography is kind of large, but he's got the sort of talent where even when he's failing, it's pretty interesting to listen to. Check out anything he's on with Brian Eno. Maybe someday I'll do a Brian Eno update, but he's not nearly as badass as John Cale and he gets all kinds of crossword play.

AAAALSO, John Cale handled production duties on the debut album by a band called the Modern Lovers and on a Patti Smith record called Horses and I'd bet some coin on John Cale being a Television influence.

Sold, right? John Cale had his hands in everything cool for a while there. I think I'm going to go give his most recent record (Black Acetate) another listen.

Next update: something less sprawling.
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My First Blog Post

Hi there,

welcome. this is now a thing! your days of typing in this url and being redirected to a "that address does not exist" page are over. celebrate, then come back and finish reading my post.




Alright,

so, this blogging thing has died down, yes? Juno killed that, and Juno references are old hat. Old hat? Still in. "Old hat" will never die, despite being currently batted around with no concept of its origins. MY BLOG THEME #2: our society's blind faith in tradition.

MY BLOG THEME #1: unconventional structure


so, the cycle will be coming back around shortly. That means I'm on the tip of the revolution and when the wave once again peaks, I will be at its crest amidst the foam and lighter sealife. Once safely deposited on the beach, I will bask in the suns healing rays for a spell, pack up my towel, paperback, and gym bag full of spare socks and shoes, t-shirt, etc., walk to my SUV, carefully brush the sand from the bottom of my feet, making sure to clear between the toes because once that sand gets in your interior, maaan, it is never out, put on a clean pair of socks and my shoes, toss the flip-flops into the trunk, and drive back to my apartment. There I'll flip on the television, maybe finish a crossword, have a beer, call some friends. Metaphor complete.

To the bloggadome faithful who have stuck around, waiting for their blogsus


congratulations, and you're welcome.

Here's one for the ladies:

Leonard Cohen - The Stranger Song


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