A Mind-Bogglingly Bad Song

The Higher - Insurance?

This song is inexplicably, almost impossibly bad.

And yet, there it is. You can refresh as many times as possible, this song and video are real things that real people produced in an effort to make a legitimately awesome song. I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the many splendid ways this song fails at being good, so I've done my best to organize its spectacular inadequacies into a handy guide:

Lyrics

• Innuendo!
  Even if they weren't sung by a ginger Clay Aiken, these lyrics are almost impossible to sell. Nick Cave couldn't convince me this an ok thing to sing: "All that matters to me, girl, win or lose/ is an x-rated swirl of me and you." I bet he'd take it in a sugar-cone, too (wink, wink?). Oh, and nice use of slant-rhyme, Dickinson.
  
  In the bridge, though, our fiery frontman tears the veil of his almost completely unveiled, confusing innuendos even further stating, "You keep on suckin' me, suckin' me in." Oh, my dear! I'm sure mom jeans are being soiled all across the nation after hearing this ditty blaring out of their daughters' rooms.
  

• Superpowers!
  The phenomenal chorus begins: "Let's burn this filthy town straight into the ground/ with our dirty looks and glances." Whoa! Shit just got serious! I'd bet that when these lyrics were originally scribbled into the margins of some Calc homework, they were accompanied by a badass sketch of Cyclops totally laying waste to some football players. I'M SAYIN THEY'RE DORKS.
  
  
• Questions!
  The thing that really makes the chorus really come alive for me is its second half, where the singer poses, "Come on, can you hear us now/ as we rock you, shock you, drop you, and make you want it more?" to his listener. "Yes, no, yes, huh?, no" are my answers, respectively.
  
  
• Convincing Urban References
  "I will show you how I roll" - Yeah, that car you got on SuperSweet Sixteen is a pretty fly whip. Of course, this line is nestled in the nuanced gambling metaphor that comprises the first verse, complete with the confusing, "I cannot get that ace/so let me see a face card drop," which I think means, "So, no anal, uh? How about some head?"
  
  "The after party won't get started/ till about three or four" - I COMPLETELY BUY THAT YOU PARTY ALL NIGHT, RON WEASELY.

Music

• This music blows
  This music bloooows. Maroon Five should hang out with these dudes like girls hang out with uglier girls. Although, the pure, unbridled, lack of self-awareness displayed by the lead singer really makes this shit more entertaining than Maroon Five, so I take that back.
  

This song has all of the awfulness of Weezer's latest opus "The Greatest Man Who Ever Lived" with none of the irony. Kudos, Epitaph, for backing this. I can't believe you're hemorrhaging money!